Don't be a mommy's baby, don't teach a mommy's baby!

"Ah Chuan and his classmates pushed each other at school, and the other party fell down and hurt his knee, and I hope that the parents...": Before the tutor finished speaking, Ah Chuan's mother replied resentfully, "The child himself is stupid and fell down, and still blames others, you are too irresponsible to be a teacher! You teachers are so irresponsible!

Problems with substituting for others

Ah Chuan's father works in China, and because of education issues, his mother and Ah Chuan stay in Taiwan. The couple is often separated, and mom often sobs after talking to dad on the phone. She tells Ah Chuan, "You are the only baby in the world, and mommy has sacrificed so much for you, so you have to be good at what you do.

In order to "compete", Yaquan's mother was afraid that she had not done enough to affect Yaquan's future development. When Yaquan was in elementary school, she made it her full-time job to be a "loving mother" at school, helping her child to decide on matters of all sizes, including which classmates he or she should or should not hang out with. She complains to the principal that the teacher has joined forces with her classmates to bully her, and everyone avoids interacting with Ah-chuen, making her feel alone at school.

After attending junior high school, Ah Chuan relied on his mother even more. He didn't have to say a word if he passed a school club test or if he had a problem with his test scores; his mother was like a built-in auto search mode that helped him solve all problems. "My mom says" became Ah Chuan's mantra, but he didn't really care what his mom said because he knew that she would never let go of him no matter what.

The process of raising a mommy's baby

"Mother's love is great, but too much love can be counterproductive. When a child's world becomes "only" mom's, things don't look good.

Psychologist Erik Erikson suggests that "people develop various inner capacities in the eight stages of infancy, adulthood, and old age, and use them to interact with an ever-expanding social sphere". Life is a succession of stages, a process of gradual change, each stage has its own tasks and challenges, this is a natural process, when parents love their children too much to be frustrated, and directly pick up the tasks for their children, this behavior will become an obstacle to the growth of children, once parents tightly under their own wings, the child lacks the opportunity to try to explore and practice, and will become unable to make their own choices, and get used to relying on their parents to make decisions, actions, and habits. They will become unable to make choices for themselves, and will become accustomed to relying on their parents to make decisions, take action, and take responsibility. Children who are deprived of the opportunity to grow up and challenge themselves will eventually become mothers/daddies who are not old enough to grow up.

Just do it right.

The nature of social competition is "eliminating the weak and retaining the strong". Those who have not experienced setbacks in interpersonal relationships, the workplace, adaptation to life, and marital relationships will habitually retreat back to familiar embraces when they encounter setbacks, and in more serious cases, they will find it difficult to adapt to society, and will become "old people" who rely on their parents to support their livelihoods.

On the surface, "mommy and baby" seems to be a lucky child for whom someone is willing to provide everything, but in fact, it is often a victim of family problems. It is common that when the relationship between husband and wife is in trouble, the child becomes the emotional support of one of the parents, and the child is overprotected and over-expected, or the parents, in the process of taking care of the child, in order to seek a sense of fulfillment, regard the child as a personal achievement, and emotionally they cannot cut themselves off from the child, and as long as they fulfill their child they are satisfying themselves. As long as they satisfy their children, they are satisfied with themselves, and the power advantage in the parent-child position becomes a threatening manipulation and a "baby mommy/daddy".

"The child's real growth needs are ignored, and the child who is chronically deprived will hardly grow up with a sound mind, and will be able to doubt his/her own abilities and be weak inside, so this excessive overflowing love will only harm the child.

How to avoid becoming a "baby mom/dad"? Child psychologist Winnie Court suggests the idea of "good enough mothering": taking care of your children is "good enough" and you don't have to be a perfect one-percent parent. When parents respect themselves, affirm themselves and believe in themselves, their children will naturally develop as they should.

Ms. Lin Jingjun, Counseling Psychologist